There are so many ‘buzzwords’ that fly around social media when it comes to mental health and what mental health means to an individual. One of the classic buzzwords heard often on social media is boundaries. It seems like the simple answer to “fixing” a significant amount of relational issues is setting boundaries. It seems setting boundaries is a skill that many people find they struggle with. Understanding what a boundary is and how they benefit us can help people strengthen, and possibly loosen, some of the boundaries they currently have, or even lack.
Soooooo....what the heck does boundary even mean?
In the simplest terms a boundary is a line that marks a specific area or limit. In mental health terms a boundary is used to describe a line that is put into place to ensure emotional safety. A boundary is typically looked at as a way to provide emotional peace by creating a barrier that allows you to set parameters of expectations or needs. Relationally speaking, I believe a boundary is typically viewed as a limit for others not to cross. While this is true, if we investigate more deeply what a boundary is and how it is productive in our relationships I believe there is more to a boundary than the typical definition.
Who do boundaries protect?
What would happen if we considered a boundary a way to protect relationships we cared about?
Not only is a boundary a way to protect yourself but it can be a productive way to protect those you care about. Placing effective boundaries within relationships you care about can significantly decrease perceived negative feelings towards others such as resentment, frustration, abandonment or anxiety. Boundaries are not only to protect one person but are useful to protect the relationship as a whole. When we look at a boundary this way it allows us to not feel as restricted or rigid in our boundaries or when others set boundaries with us.
Types of Boundaries
There are multiple types of boundaries that can be set and those can only be determined by the person setting the boundary and the relationship the boundary is being set within.
“Rigid” boundaries are boundaries that may be viewed as strict and even contribute to dysfunction in a relationship. Rigid boundaries can be a trauma response and a sign that gives insight into parts of a person that may need to be processed and worked through. Rigid boundaries are often set by those who are not able to trust others or have been continually let down in relationships to the point that they can push people away with unrealistic or RIGID boundaries.
“Diffused/Porous" boundaries are boundaries that are unclear and confusing to others because of a lack of consistency in the boundary being set. Diffused/porous boundaries are also contributory to dysfunction in relationships. Diffused/porous boundaries are often set by people who continually show up submissive in relationships which allows others to cross boundaries freely.
“Healthy” boundaries are boundaries that exemplify the ebbs and flows in relationships. Healthy boundaries allow assertive and respectful communication in a relationship. Healthy boundaries can be set when a relationship has two people who are able to compromise while holding strong to their
sense of self and respecting the other person and their boundaries within a relationship.
How do we set appropriate boundaries?
Once we understand the importance of boundaries we can begin working on what boundaries will look like in our life. Acknowledging and becoming curious about the patterns and cycles that show up in specific relationships will help us identify what type of boundary we have within certain relationships.
When discovering boundaries and what that means for you personally, it is important to remember every new skill takes practice. Learning to set boundaries is a skill and it can be accomplished with practice and knowledge. To set appropriate boundaries a person must recognize their feelings and thoughts around specific situations. Better understanding the feelings that come up for you at certain times will allow you to reflect on the type of boundary that is currently in place of the lack of a boundary. Each emotion we feel can give us information that allows us to recognize if a boundary needs to be placed. Feelings of resentment, anxiety, anger and frustration are all information that provides insight into the possible need for a boundary.
Acknowledging a boundary has been crossed or a lack of a boundary is beneficial to helping a person practice their new skill of setting boundaries. If you are a person who identifies mostly with rigid or diffused/porous boundaries BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.. It will take practice to gain the confidence needed to begin inserting healthy boundaries.
What type of boundaries have you set?
While this will take some reflection, it is important to recognize that these types of boundaries can show up differently depending on the specific relationship. Rigid boundaries are productive and necessary in some relationships to protect the relationship or lack of relationship. Ideally healthy boundaries will be found within the relationships people value most which can lead to a strong and beneficial connection.
Identifying the type of boundaries you predominantly set can give you insight into parts of yourself that may need attention and healing. Every time a person chooses to sit and reflect within themselves it allows them to better understand their needs and the changes that can be made to meet the needs they have. Identifying these boundaries can also help strengthen relationships people care about. Sometimes, reflection gives insight into relationships that need more rigid boundaries set or that it is time to trust the person who has continually shown up in a healthy and trustworthy way.
At Root Counseling, we believe in creating and implementing plans with our clients to create healthy boundaries within their personal relationships. To begin your journey of creating thriving relationships and building your skills around setting boundaries schedule a consult here.
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