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Alternative Relationship Structures 

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Over the centuries, ecological, biological, evolutionary, social, and political factors have contributed to the structures of romantic relationships. The most common relationship structure being monogamy, where we decide to reserve romantic and physical intimacy for one other person.

 

There has been and continue to be beneficial components of engaging in a monogamous relationship style. Some historical and current benefits of monogamy can include increasing paternal engagement with children, securing peace within families and communities, social acceptance from group, decreased chances of STI’s (sexually transmitted diseases) and
ability to have deep, authentic connection with 1 person.
Within the current social atmosphere, we no longer require monogamy to secure and continue empires/families in the way that it was beneficial historically. As gender roles and norms
evolve, some of us might find ourselves in a position to question the attachment we have to monogamy as a concept. Divorce, infidelity and relationship dissatisfaction may cause us to
wonder if there are alternative approaches that may lead to more sustainable relationship outcomes for some individuals and couples.


Alternative relationship structures are becoming a more appealing option to the general population. With ENM (ethical non monogamy) on the rise. 1 in 5 adults within their lifetime will have engaged in a form of non-monogamy.

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Types of Relationship Structures

There are several different types of non- traditional relationship structures including:

  • Monogamish: This term describes two individuals that have a focus on each other within the relationship and agree that including other individuals/groups in a physical or romantic capacity occasionally is acceptable.

  • Ethical non-monogamy (ENM): A consensual, agreed upon relationship structure between 2 or more individuals. This includes all people within the relationship being aware of the physical and emotional connections that their partners have with other individuals. It involves the couple consenting to additional physical and/or romantic involvement with parties outside of the relationship.

  • Polyamorous: describes a structure where one individual has ongoing romantic and or physical connections with multiple other individuals or groups. This is more specific than ENM.

  • Non-hierarchal vs. hierarchal relationships: Hierarchal structure describes the idea that one relationship has priority over the others vs non-hierarchal being where there is no preferential treatment of any relationship.

  • Relationship anarchy: This refers to a relationship structure that typically rejects social norms surrounding relationships, has a focus on individual autonomy. These individuals tend to enjoy multiple relationships at any given time and decline to define their hierarchy. This relationship structures allows one to customize their relationships to meet their emotional, physical, and social needs without subscribing to social rules surrounding traditional relationships.


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Pros to Alternative Relationship Structures

 

  • Community and social connection!! There is a large sense of togetherness and community within the ENM (ethical non-monogamy) world. Increased social, emotional, and physical connections can lead to an overall increase in life satisfaction.

  • Identity development: engaging in ENM can provide an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of individual desires, needs, and boundaries. ENM often brings light to the shadows that trauma and attachment disruptions have influenced.

  • Communication and boundaries: ENM can serve as a platform for enhancing communication within both our romantic and platonic relationships. We are raised in a society where assertive communication can be frowned upon (esp for female identifying individuals). Learning to enhance communication patterns and style can improve our overall wellbeing and lead to more sustainable outcomes in our lives. When we learn to express and communicate our needs, we take the power back that may once have been taken from us.

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Cons to Alternative Relationship Structures

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  • Ending of relationship: ENM can bring to light or enhance already unsustainable patterns and dysfunction within a relationship. Often, ENM is not the reason for relationships ending but it can highlight the unhealthy patterns between two individuals as they relate to one another. It is important to approach ENM with honesty and authenticity within your already established relationship. Afterall, it is ETHICAL non- monogamy.

  • Low social approval: this lifestyle is still considered taboo in many parts of the world. Individuals and couples who engage in this relationship structure can face discrimination from friends or family who may have a limited understanding of ENM. This can lead to increased feelings of isolation. This is why building a community is so crucial to sustainably engaging in ENM.

  • Jealousy/attachment disruptions arising: jealousy is a common emotional experience within both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. It can be a gut-wrenching emotion to encounter. Jealousy may come up more often in ENM situations. It can be an opportunity to learn to manage and explore the root of this. Often, at the core of jealousy is fear of abandonment or rejection from our loved one. Attachment disruptions/wounds can also become triggered because of this lifestyle. There are many healthy, sustainable methods to cope with these experiences.

Coping methods for distress surrounding ENM/questioning of relationship structures
Humans are constantly changing and evolving creatures. Shifting our relationship styles can cause distress and increase the need for healthy coping within our daily lives. It can be crucial to seek out supportive others that can create safety for you during times of change within your relationship(s). Stress caused by relationships overall can create an opportunity to increase self-care routines through establishing ways to complete the stress cycle (vigorous exercise, yoga, hiking, biking, swimming, etc.), grounding/meditation techniques to increase present moment focus, writing/journaling to regularly express oneself and to increase distance from intense emotions, and healthy/sustainable eating and moderation surrounding substances or escapism activities.

Overall, ENM/polyamory can be an exciting, fulfilling, and genuine way to become closer to your authentic self. It can allow us to develop deeper, more sustainable connections with our loved ones. The flexibility and customizable traits within the ENM world may be what you have been missing. After all, love is an abundant, infinite resource and the more we have, the more we can give to others and ourselves.

Are you ready to connect?

If so, we offer a free 15 minute consultation to see if we're the right fit!!

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